Hold on. This is going to hurt.

Psalm 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

This has to be one of the weirdest emotional times in my life. Their are days that I am so excited about going to Thailand to do IVF. We have a good possibility of coming home pregnant!! Being a mommy is something I have wanted and longed for since I was  little girl. Yet there is always that reminder that this is not a sure thing. We know for sure that this  is what God wants us to do, but he has not promised us that this trip will result in a baby. So there is this desire to plan ahead for the day that we get to bring home our child, and then there is reality that this may be the second phase of our heartbreak. What am I supposed to do? Do I just enjoy this time of joy and excitement? How far do I take it? Is it safe to think of names, what room will be the nursery, what colors I like for wall color?  I know I do not want to just plan on being heart broken. That would be the pits! Why would I go if I knew I would be heartbroken? But I am going to be sad. We are going to be making little Bowcock Babies. We will not give birth to every embryo that is created. That is a reality.

This would be so fun!

I will admit that my day is full of up’s and downs. There is the part of me that wants to plan on a baby and there is part of me that wants to plan for the worst. It is in these times that I am thankful that I have been told, and the words have been proven true, God loves me and He will be there to comfort me. I know that there will be days that I am sad, heartbroken, and hurt. But I also know that even though I walk through the “Valley of Death” God is there to protect me. I believe with all of my heart that I will get though the hurt and the sadness with more faith and love for God then I have now. So I choose to walk this road with God, trusting that in the end I will be closer to Him and I will love him more. Ultimately, the thing I want the most is to please Him. I believe that God knows me well enough to know what would draw me closer to Him. Infertility has done that. I am not looking forward to the sadness, but I look forward to the way that Gregg and I both will experience God comforting us.

Psalm 94:18
When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your unfailing love, LORD, supported me.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Hold on. This is going to hurt.

  1. Mom

    Thank you for sharing your heart Kathleen. It is good to know how to pray for you and to watch God encourage you through this walk of faith! Love you.

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