Here comes the hard part.

I am not saying that what we have already done through has not been hard, it has. It has been one of the hardest thing that has come into my life. Ever since I was a very little girl all I wanted when I grew up was to get married and have babies. Of course the whole getting married thing was so that I could have babies. If I could have had babies as a young girl while i was still living with the best parents ever, I would have. I remember a moment when I was driving by our church and I watched a family cross the street I thought “Because I want that so bad, I probably wont”.  At that point I did not realize that that “curse” is exactly how God wanted to show me His love for me.

As I think back about 2 years ago to a moment with my mom on my back porch I am overwhelmed with thankfulness to our loving Father. I stood on the back porch talking to my mom about the phone call that we had received from the Dr. just a few nights before. I was telling her that I could not wait until I was holding my child in my arms and I could look back on this moment we were in.  I knew that we would come out of this victorious with Christ, I just wanted to be there, now.

We are definitely closer to holding our baby in our arms, and I believe we have been victorious. But I also know that we are about to enter into one of the hardest parts of this journey. On Sunday at 10:20 I will walk into the hospital as a wife, I will leave with 3 lives within my own. My dream is so close. This is where I will have to lean on Him like I have never before. I know that in my human mind every bump, every pain, every stress, every time I get off of a chair, I will be tempted to worry about the lives that are in me. Are they OK? Are they still there? Will this cause me to loose them? One of them? Should I not travel? Should I wait for months to come home? Should I pay for first class so that I can lay down on the long flight? Should I drink more water? Should I eat more fruit? Should I be around this many people? What can I do to make this dream happen???

Psalm 46:10Be still and know that I am God”

What a sad place to let my mind go. There is no peace in that. I am resting in Him. I know it is going to be a struggle, but I will do what I can and He will do the rest. What a wonderful God we have. He loves me and our babies more than I do. More than I can ever imagine. This is the same love that He had for me when he gave me this trial.

“Thank you Father for loving me so much. For your goodness. For your Power. Thank you that I can rest in you. I know that if you want us to have babies, you will give us babies. There is nothing I can do to stop that. Thank you for helping me rest this responsibility on you and your strong shoulders. Thank you for loving me enough to give us infertility. Thank you for friends and family who speak truth to us. Thank you for your word. Thank you for this rest that passes all human understanding.     I love you.      I love you.       I love you. Thank you.   Thank you.    Thank you.  Amen”

I loved the scripture that my sister sent to me all the way from Africa. What a reminder of God’s power.

Genesis 1 The Account of Creation 1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.[a] 2 The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters. 3 The…n God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 And God saw that the light was good. Then he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light “day” and the darkness “night.” And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day. 6 Then God said, “Let there be a space between the waters, to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth.” 7 And that is what happened. God made this space to separate the waters of the earth from the waters of the heavens. 8 God called the space “sky.” And evening passed and morning came, marking the second day. 9 Then God said, “Let the waters beneath the sky flow together into one place, so dry ground may appear.” And that is what happened. 10 God called the dry ground “land” and the waters “seas.” And God saw that it was good. 11 Then God said, “Let the land sprout with vegetation—every sort of seed-bearing plant, and trees that grow seed-bearing fruit. These seeds will then produce the kinds of plants and trees from which they came.” And that is what happened. 12 The land produced vegetation—all sorts of seed-bearing plants, and trees with seed-bearing fruit. Their seeds produced plants and trees of the same kind. And God saw that it was good. 13 And evening passed and morning came, marking the third day. 14 Then God said, “Let lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night. Let them mark off the seasons, days, and years. 15 Let these lights in the sky shine down on the earth.” And that is what happened. 16 God made two great lights—the larger one to govern the day, and the smaller one to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set these lights in the sky to light the earth, 18 to govern the day and night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And evening passed and morning came, marking the fourth day. 20 Then God said, “Let the waters swarm with fish and other life. Let the skies be filled with birds of every kind.” 21 So God created great sea creatures and every living thing that scurries and swarms in the water, and every sort of bird—each producing offspring of the same kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 Then God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply. Let the fish fill the seas, and let the birds multiply on the earth.” 23 And evening passed and morning came, marking the fifth day. 24 Then God said, “Let the earth produce every sort of animal, each producing offspring of the same kind—livestock, small animals that scurry along the ground, and wild animals.” And that is what happened. 25 God made all sorts of wild animals, livestock, and small animals, each able to produce offspring of the same kind. And God saw that it was good. 26 Then God said, “Let us make human beings[b] in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.” 27 So God created human beings[c] in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. 28 Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.” 29 Then God said, “Look! I have given you every seed-bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food.30 And I have given every green plant as food for all the wild animals, the birds in the sky, and the small animals that scurry along the ground—everything that has life.” And that is what happened. 31 Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day.

There are so many scriptures that have spoken to me in very specific times. Is there a verse  that God sent it to you at a specific time to keep your mind steadfast? Please share it with us. It is the purest form of encouragement I know.

Thank you for letting me share my heart with you.                                                                              -Kathleen

Looking out on Chiang Mai.

Advertisements

20 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

20 responses to “Here comes the hard part.

  1. Linda Rosengren

    Thank you for your honest sharing, Kathleen. That way we know how to pray for you and cheer you on. No matter what, you will know those babies! Even if one or more of them “don’t make it”, they are already living souls and, as such, if they are “lost” here on earth, they will immediately be taken to heaven where they will be awaiting you and you will be able to spend eternity with them. I pray though that they will all grow and be healthy, because I know how much they are loved. HUGS!! – Lin

  2. Nikki

    Just wanted to tell you how blessed I have been reading about your journey on this blog. Have been praying for you as well.

    Also thought I would just tell you that when I first got pregnant, I started bleeding really bad and assumed I had miscarried. I was completely crushed for about half an hour, and then suddenly it was like God’s peace just hit me and I knew everything was fine and just as he had planned. (Even though I still thought the baby was gone at this point.) Later I found out Beo was still in there, and I had possibly miscarried a twin. Anyway, I say this because I know that whatever happens, God will be right there with you and it will be His perfect plan.

  3. mom

    Kathleen, I love being your mommy! I love seeing your love for God!
    His word is true when it says….

    Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

    I know God exists because I see Him in you! His word is living and working in you!

    Mom

  4. mom

    I remember that moment on your porch when you found out that it was “impossible” to have kids. I remember the joy we shared in knowing that nothing had changed with God. If he wanted you to have kids, then you would have kids! Because nothing is impossible with God! And one day if it was His good plan we would sit out there with baby/babies in our arms and think back to when we heard it was “impossible.”

    Jeremiah 32:17 “Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.

  5. This verse is the one I repeat to myself almost daily. It reminds me of how my life is not my own and never was my own. I think back a lot to all the plans I had for myself and how God didn’t do anything the way I had planned. Not one thing! But His plan was SO much better! Mike and I often talk about how awful it would have been if our lives had gone the way we wanted and not in the way God had previously laid out. The blessings in our lives are amazing because of God’s infinite wisdom in planning it.

    Jeremiah 29:11
    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

  6. Laura

    “Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”
    This is one of my favorites. Thanks for you honest sharing. It has been a pleasure to “go through this” with you. We are praying for you!

  7. Abby Stephens

    Kitty, thank you SO much for sharing your life with me!! This morning I had another misunderstanding with Courtney, and it got blown up big… so as I was sitting here at school, praying, texting some people to pray (wishing you were back so I could just text you), trying to ask God what to do I read your post… He is SO perfect, and your words are SO His. And I thank Him SO MUCH FOR YOU!! =)

    I love what you wrote and so I copied it and only had to change it a little to fit my situation perfectly!!:

    My dream is so close. This is where I will have to lean on Him like I have never before. I know that in my human mind every word, every movement, every stress, every arguement, I will be tempted to worry about disturbing the peace in my house. Are we OK? Are we on good terms? Will this cause me to get yelled at? Did I not hear her right? Should I not talk to her? Should I wait for months to come home? Should I pay for an apartment so that I can have peace and quiet? Should I clean more? Should I do more? Should I just let her have her way? Should I invite her along? Should I have this many people over? Should I say hi or just leave her alone? What can I do to make this dream happen???

    Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God”

    What a sad place to let my mind go. There is no peace in that. I am resting in Him. I know it is going to be a struggle, but I will do what I can and He will do the rest. What a wonderful God we have. He loves me and our HOUSE more than I do. More than I can ever imagine. This is the same love that He had for me when he gave me this trial.

    “Thank you Father for loving me so much. For your goodness. For your Power. Thank you that I can rest in you. I know that if you want us to have a community home, you will make it look like whatever you want. There is nothing I can do to stop that. Thank you for helping me rest this responsibility on you and your strong shoulders. Thank you for loving me enough to give us a turbulent home. Thank you for friends and family who speak truth to me. Thank you for your word. Thank you for this rest that passes all human understanding. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Amen”

    • Abby I love this. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. I love that God loves you enough to take you through this hard time. I love seeing how much you have grown in your love for him as you live in your home, the home that God has you in. I am praying for you. Praying for your mind to be steadfast on Him and on his words. “What verse is God speaking to you now in this situation. Live by that verse. Let it give you strength to please Him in this” These are the wise words that my mother speaks to me any time i come to her with a trial. Think and see what He is giving you. Then share it with me! love you lots and lots!

  8. Caral from SoCal

    Psalm 37:

    3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
    4 Take delight in the LORD,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.
    5 Commit your way to the LORD;
    trust in him and he will do this:
    6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.

  9. Kristen

    I don’t have a verse that I used after we lost the twins and the two years following that we struggled again with IF. There were 3 songs that would just play over and over in my mind.

    Blessed be the Name of the Lord, It is Well, With My Soul, Indescribable. The first two are based on bible verses, and the last one well it just says it all.

    Thank you again for sharing your journey with us.

    Kristen

  10. mom

    God asks Job some rhetorical questions –
    Job 39: 1 “Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?
    Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?
    2 Do you count the months till they bear?
    Do you know the time they give birth?

    (God know all things!)

    Job 42: 1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
    2 “I know that you can do all things;
    no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

  11. Cortney

    Isaiah 62:4
    You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
    and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
    but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
    and your land Married;
    for the LORD delights in you,
    and your land shall be married.

  12. Mom

    It is an hour and a half till transfer…. babies meet mommy’s womb. So thankful that God’s hand holds them always!

    Love you —

    Your mommy

  13. Erin

    Hey you – I can’t wait to talk to you about everything. I wanted so badly to have something to share with you to encourage you and Psalm 34 came to mind today. I read it many times during our time at Childrens Hospital with Bree. It reminds me of so much of God’s character. I am reminded and comforted that He is my refuge. Reminded also of His love and care for His children, His faithfulness toward them. I, during our trial, especially loved vs. 15-18. So many tears shed – happy, then sad, then tired, then happy again… Isn’t it just extremely comforting to know that the Creator who made you k nows you better than you know yourself and cares for you completely. Even through the roller coaster of emotions and whatever overwhelming thing might be happening, He hears every cry. His eyes and ears are toward us (v.15). He hears and delivers us (v.17). He saves us (v.18). How can we not bless the Lord at all times and praise Him continually (v.1) when He is such a good God?!!!
    Love you!
    Erin

  14. Katie Moore

    Hi Kathleen,
    Thank you for sharing all this with me and so many others! It is all so encouraging to read:)
    God gave me Ps.16:5-6 when I was really struggling with discontentment.
    “Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.”
    I wrote that down, memorized it, and studied it. God is so good!
    I will keep praying for you and Greg!
    Living for Him,
    Katie

  15. Joy Gerry

    These verses have blessed me for ten years, since we started going through deep waters with our H. Psalm 33:20-22 (ESV):
    “Our soul waits for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
    For our heart is glad in him,
    because we trust in his holy name.
    Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
    even as we hope in you.”

    Love and continuing prayers,
    Joy G.

  16. Keith

    Isaiah 30:15,18
    ” For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,
    “In returning(c) and rest you shall be saved;
    in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”
    “Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,
    and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
    For the Lord is a God of justice;
    blessed are all those who wait for him.”

    2 Corinthians 4:8, 16-18
    “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

  17. Brian and Evie

    What an encouragement This post is! It reminded me of where my focus should be. How truly sad it is when we don’t get to experience God’s peace that He promises because we don’t give over our troubles to Him. Thanks, Kathleen for sharing.

    Here’s a verse I read this morning that encouraged me. Psalm 33:4 “For the word of the LORD hold true, and everything he does is worthy of our trust.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s