I know He loves me. I trust He loves me.

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Today we did another blood test to see where we were with our hCG levels. These levels will tell us if there is a good chance if we have more than one and how the pregnancy is progressing. By now I should have numbers in the high hundreds or thousands. But as we found out today I am still very low. I went from 140 on Friday to 180 today.

The doctor is expecting us to  miscarry.

I knew it was not good news as soon as I heard Dr. P. pick up the phone. I am unfortunately very used to what  his sad voice sounds like on the phone.

But can I tell you the most amazing thing that happened today. My Faith was proven yet again. And the peace that passes all understanding is upon me again. I can not express the pure joy that I have knowing that God is in control and I trust that his plan is best. Right now we know that His plan is for me to get bad news and low numbers. Now it is my part to believe in Him, to trust in Him. I do. And I love Him more today than I did yesterday.

I am going to say something and some of you may not believe me, but I choose  and want God’s plan over having a baby. Even thought this has been my life long dream, I am seeing more things with eternety in mind more now than ever before.

Yesterday at Emmaus we sung the old hymn ” I Surrender All”. I have loved this song since I was a young girl but had not sung it in years. Least night as I was singing the song we got the part that says “Worldly pleasures all forsaken” I realized that I needed to not just sing the song but truly surrender all, even my baby, to him. I started to weep. I wanted this to be true, but could I? Could I truly give this baby to Jesus? After crying for a few minutes I lifted my hands and sung with all that I had in me the Chorus ” I surrender all”. It was an amazing moment. One I will never forget. I literally felt that God was asking for my baby and I had given her (him) to God.

So when today came, I again surrendered it all to God.

It is this desire to honor and glorify God, and seeing Him prove himself true and trust worthy that I can rest today. I grieve the possible loss of our baby, the most likely loss of our baby, but I have joy.

Our God is bigger than this world. He is stronger than anything. And he loves me.

“Father, thank you for today. Thank you for these very low numbers. Thank you that I have and can truly rest in you. Thank you for loving me, for loving Gregg, for loving our families, and loving our babies. Thank you that your love is bigger and better than anything we can truly understand. Thank you for showing me over and over again that you are trustworthy. Thank you for having a better plan for me. Thank you for taking us to Thailand. Thank you for teaching Gregg to be the leader that I need. Thank you for sending us friends to celebrate and trust in you with us. Thank you for loving me enough to not give us what we want all of the time. I love you. I love you more today than I did yesterday. Thank you for giving us strength and for your word. We love you.

  1. All to Jesus I surrender;
    All to Him I freely give;
    I will ever love and trust Him,
    In His presence daily live. 

    • I surrender all,
      I surrender all;
      All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
      I surrender all.
  2. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Humbly at His feet I bow,
    Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
    Take me, Jesus, take me now.
  3. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
    Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
    Truly know that Thou art mine.
  4. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Lord, I give myself to Thee;
    Fill me with Thy love and power;
    Let Thy blessing fall on me.
  5. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Now I feel the sacred flame.
    Oh, the joy of full salvation!
    Glory, glory, to His Name!
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10 Comments

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10 responses to “I know He loves me. I trust He loves me.

  1. Cara

    Kathleen,
    I don’t know what God has in store – it may be a miracle. (Oh, I pray so! ) It may not be a miracle, yet. But I do know this with every fiber of my being – what God has for you is so much better than the dreams you have dreamt for yourself! I am so thrilled to know that you are able to sing that great old hymn (that makes me cry everything I sing it) with understanding, purpose, and faith. We are praying through all of this…and can only imagine what God has prepared (Eph 2:10)…HUGS…and

    love,
    C.

  2. Charlie

    I love you Kathleen. Thank you for sharing your joy and walk of faith! God Is Good and it is a joy to get to see His hand in action, intimately working in each of our lives! Matt Chapter 6: He knows and cares for all our needs.

  3. Joy Gerry

    Your steadfast love for the Lord and your growing faith in Him is a total inspiration to me. May your obedience and joy in the Lord have far-reaching influence on others. I love you and am praying for you and Gregg as you travel this journey God has designed for you.

  4. Lynn Eaton

    I love you so much, Kathleen—dear child of God.

  5. Cortney

    Another hymn that brought me great comfort during my miscarriages is “More Love to Thee.”

    We’re still praying, and, oh, so thankful, for your honestly and vulnerability through this process. I love you so much.

    More love to thee, O Christ, more love to thee!
    Hear thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
    This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to thee;
    more love to thee, more love to thee!

    2. Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest;
    now thee alone I seek, give what is best.
    This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ, to thee;
    more love to thee, more love to thee!

    3. Let sorrow do its work, come grief and pain;
    sweet are thy messengers, sweet their refrain,
    when they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to thee;
    more love to thee, more love to thee!

    4. Then shall my latest breath whisper thy praise;
    this be the parting cry my heart shall raise;
    this still its prayer shall be: More love, O Christ, to thee;
    more love to thee, more love to thee!

  6. Linda Rosengren

    Dear Kathleen,
    Please know that my heart and prayers are with you as you wait on the Lord and bow to His sovereignty. I pray that even yet, He may spare one or more of these little souls to stay with you. At the same time, we can know that no matter how long their time on earth may be, their purpose will have been completely fulfilled. God has taught you some amazing things through them and your testimony glorifies Him. May He hold you close and continue to bathe your hearts with peace.

  7. Mom

    Kathleen, I don’t know if it is in God’s plan for you to have babies. I hope it is, but this I know for sure, God has called you to run with faith the race set before you and you are doing that! If His plan is for your to have children you will have them!

    When this life is over the only thing that will matter to you is that you loved the Lord and pleased Him! You can do that with or without children. I pray that I will always encourage you to walk in Truth because truth alone leads you to trusting God so you can have joy and peace!

    You could have kept all of this private and protected your heart from pain. But I am thankful that God called you to share your journey of faith so we could walk with you. Thank you Kathleen I love being your mommy.

    I knew when you went to Thailand that the only thing you wanted more then a baby was a closer relationship with Gregg and God. You got those!

    Now I am just waiting to see if the God of the impossible is choosing to take your babies home or leave them with you and Gregg.

    I love you so much Kathleen, I stand in awe of the power of God shining through you. Thank you Gregg for leading Kathleen in truth.

    Joshua 23: Joshua 23:14 You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.

  8. Deborah Alcorn

    You amaze and humble me all at the same time. Prayers for you both, and partnership in joy with you whatever the outcome.

  9. Jenny

    Kathleen–
    I read about your IVF journey because of a link from your sister’s FB. I trust God is continuing to use the things He’s bringing you through to shape and strengthen your relationship with Him, but I can say for sure that He’s using your words of truth and confession of trust in Him to shape and change me! Of all the accounts I’ve read and even shared in my 9 years of walking through infertility, your words have been the most reflective of God’s faithfulness. I think too easily in infertility we get our eyes off Him and out of His Word and then focus all attention on the unfairness of it all. God’s used you to speak long needed truth into my life!
    Thank you!

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