Am I really going to be a mommy? This is the question that has been in my head for the last few months. Is it really going to happen? Or have I just been blessed with the experience of being pregnant? It is hard sometimes to grasp the reality that Mac is going to be here, here in our arms. He has a bed, he has clothes, blankets, car seat, diapers, socks, hats, and toys. But at the same time it is hard for me to grasp the reality of his life coming into ours.
I think this is part of my defense mechanism to protect myself. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to be a mommy almost more than anything. I remember the day while driving with my mom, at the age of 14, I came to the thought “Maybe because I want this so bad, God will not give it to me”. This was not a thought of “God is not a loving God so therefore he will probably not give me what I want”. But a thought that “God does love me so much, and this is defiantly an idol, He is probably going to use this in my life to bring me closer to Him because He loves me, intimately”. So ever since then I have tried to protect myself by saying that I will never be a mommy. I love that God has taken me through this trial of infertility. It is such a sign of just how much He loves me and how much He thinks I can handle.
But as Mac’s due date gets closer and closer and Mac gets larger, I am seeing my future more clearly. I am seeing that God has given us a child. I am not sure what type of child he is giving us, healthy, stubborn, cuddly, independent, but I know that Mac is going to be exactly what God has for us to show me His love for me, perfectly. I do know right now that he enjoys stretching, kicking, punching, squirming, and growing. I am getting more and more excited to meet this little man that God has for us. I know that one of the biggest trials that God has for us is going to be arriving sooner than later. Maybe a little sooner than later??? Hu?? One can hope!
Here are a few photos from the past couple weeks, just a bit of life as the Bowcocks.