Failure and Junk TV.

I am a failure. I am fat, can’t take care of my home, can’t take care of my family or stay consistent as a parent. And I am pretty sure that my husband doesn’t really care about me.

Amazing how down, selfish, and sad we can get in our thinking at times. This happens to me just about every 28 days, I blame it on the hormones! It definitely got the better of me last night and my poor wonderful, loving and caring husband.  I think of myself as a a pretty logical thinker, able to see through the emotions and all things girly. But there are times when circumstances out of my control, except for the fact that I am literally injecting myself with hormones, when I loose the logical part of me and go totally out of control. IMG_0193

So what do I do when this crisis happens?? Where do I run? You would think straight to chocolate, ice-cream or like any good Christian woman I would run to scripture. I do know one thing, more than anything scripture is the one guaranteed thing that can pull me out of  what ever I am struggling with. But No! I run to my bed and cry, cry like no one has ever loved me and that I am not worthy… of anything good. This will make me feel better, right?  Oh man. I was a wreck! Painted in Waterlogue

My mother, a very wise, loving and God fearing woman, would tell me that in this instance I should turn on some junk TV. Yup. Junk TV.  This happens to be what I really need. I need to get my downward spiraling thoughts off of my life and on to some guy who is trying to sell a 15 million dollar house while trying to balance the time it takes to keep his girlfriend happy and his bangs in its most perfect spot on his forehead. Seriously. It is one of the only ways I can get by thoughts out of the most miserable places.

But there are times like while you are sitting in the Dr. office waiting to hear good or bad news, when there is no Junk TV to help. That is when I do go to Scripture. My favorite verse sits in my living room in a frame. This verse has been in my brain so much over the last few years. It has been am amazing gift from God to me to keep my thoughts where they are profitable! IMG_4097

This is the verse I go to when I get the early thoughts that are heading into wrong thoughts and lies.  I have to focus on what God has promised. Even if I am fat I am lovely in Gods eyes, and I do know that my husband does not think of me the way that I do. 😉 And that my family is cared for, just because there is dirt on the floor and almost no clean towels does not mean I am a failure.  God has had me sick to teach me a lot about me and so that Gregg can show me how much he cares for me through his service in taking care of us.

The logical part of me knows that when I get these wrong thoughts I have to cut them off at the beginning. But there are times when I give in to these thoughts. It is never a pleasant time for me or my precious husband but I do learn a lot.

I don’t know if this ever happens to you but I am sure glad that God gives us his word, our family, friends and junk TV to help us through.

To my husband… Thank You Gregg for holding me, loving me, encouraging me, serving me, and praying for me during these times. You are truly a blessing from God to me. You are my love and I am so blessed to have you by my side. I love you.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Failure and Junk TV.

  1. I appreciate your transparency so much. I see strength and humility in that. Praying for you!

  2. Tami

    LOVE this post Kathleen, SO real.

    I will forever be thankful to the Lord for the experiences He gave me with chemical depression. I have never experienced anything so very SAD before in my life.

    I thought I had done something wrong spiritually and I kept searching my heart. But there was nothing to be found… not that I am perfect… but I knew that my thoughts were steadfast on the Lord, I knew I wasn’t giving into lies, I was thinking on things that were true, pure and lovely and yet I was so very very sad. And to keep trying to pray my way out of this was just not what was needed. I just needed to break the stream of my thinking with either a funny book, or what I call junk T.V. (not trashy tv but kind of like junk food – salty or sweet – it just hits the spot. You don’t want to live on it but occasionally it’s just right!)

    House Hunters, My First Home, Project Runway, Pregnant in Heels, Million Dollar Contractor, Cooking shows, make overs, and for sure TOP GEAR!! Top Gear is the best!

    Love you Kathleen and so proud of you too!

    Mom

    • This was a hard one to write or I should say share. But I feel like I know I am not the only one who struggles with it! I hope it is an encouragement as well as a little entertaining. 😉

      • Tami

        I am sad that it is often risky to be real. Thanks for sharing what is really going on in your life. I love you.

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