Good News, Bad News

At times it seems like a lot of our journey with infertility has been one hard phone call after another. It can feel like we get a lot of either bad news or good news with concern attached.  Don’t get me wrong we get plenty of good reports along the way, but the bad has a heavier weight, right?  Well any way let me share with you the details of what this last week has held.

Last week we got the negative pregnancy test which increased our faith and produced an even closer relationship with our Father in Heaven. Then the next day (Saturday) I took another pregnancy test just to see if as we got closer to an appropriate testing date if we would get a positive. I swore that I was willing a hint of pink on that pregnancy line. So much so that I did not tell anyone except for my immediate family. This was a seriously exciting moment. Although it was so extremely faint i did not want to get my hopes up because it did practically take a microscope to see the pink. I mean, maybe I was willing it into existence. I did send a picture of the test to my sister Debra in Canada and she could see it, so maybe I was pregnant! “But don’t get to excited” I kept telling myself.

The next morning (Sunday) I took another test. This time I actually woke up Gregg who had worked till 4am that night to tell him what I could see. It was still very very faint but there was definitely some pink there, no question! I was pregnant! I think…. Still don’t want to get too excited till I got the blood results that I was supposed to get on Monday.

That morning I was so nervous I could not go to church. I was feeling sick to my stomach! Mom and dad had company coming for lunch so I spent some time cleaning up and getting lunch ready to distract myself from the unknown. So yes, I did have a good idea that I was pregnant but until I got the blood test I would not let myself get to excited or really claim to be pregnant. Plus the tests were still so very very light.

Around 11:00 am I got a phone call from my fertility clinic asking if I was coming in. I was confused, I was told I had to wait till Monday. They said “Nope! Come in now!” 🙂  I was sooooo excited I thought I would not be able to sit still or even breath normally. I thought I was going to have a mini heart attach I was so excited! Gregg and I zoomed off to the Dr to get my blood drawn. I asked the nurse how long it would take to get the results, she looked up at the clock and said “Very soon!”. I just about jumped out of my chair with the needle still in my arm. Oh man… having trouble breathing now! My chest was so tight!!

Gregg and I got home to find that Mom and dads company had arrived. Poor mom thought we already had the results and I didn’t want to share in front of everyone. Thankfully she heard me tell dad that I had to wait for a phone call. We we pretended to be calm while we made lunch and chatted with friends at the dinner table. I wasn’t sure I would be able to eat! Turns out I ate, a lot. Hmmm… clue number 2?

While sitting at the table my phone beeped to tell me i have a voice mail. WHAT? I missed the call!! Oh no!!  Lucky for me they left all the information on the message.  I WAS PREGNANT!!!!

BUT, BUT, BUT. Not my favorite word. Especially when you just got good news. The nurse did not seem very excited. Um Hello! Why are you not excited for me!?! She informed me, on the voice mail, that my hcg (the hormone produced by the placenta) was only measuring 14, very very low. “So please come in on Thursday and we will measure your levels again and see if they are doubling every other day like they should.”  Oh man, It is Maccabeus all over again. If you have been reading my blog for long you may remember that when we got our blood results with Mac we went on a 4 week journey of faith like never before. Mac’s HCG numbers consistently were not doubling at all and I was told that we were loosing him.  I was to have one more test a week later to see if i had miscarried. A week later I got the test results. The hcg numbers had more than doubled every day! We were having a baby!

IMG_9670

So I was not surprised by the number although very low. I could have figured it would be low seeing how the home pregnancy tests were coming in so faint. But it did certainly bring a real low and sadness to the “I am pregnant moment”. I had to excuse myself so that I could go and pray and give myself time to really focus on God and what he is teaching me. To see areas of Love from him in this. After about 30 minutes of really just focusing on God and having a lot of peace, I pulled out my computer and did a bit of research.

Turns out that low hcg numbers are still within acceptable ranges for a good pregnancy. I mean- look at my last pregnancy! But doctors still don’t like such low numbers, so it puts a damper on it for sure.

I told Gregg that it is really hard for me that I am robbed of the pure excitement of a positive pregnancy test just like last time. But that I know that it is God loving me and helping me to lean on him even more and to be able to share with you about how even when the good comes with bad we can still rejoice and have peace. Peace that passes all understanding.

I am not sure what the outcome of this pregnancy is going to be when it comes to a baby or loss but I know a few things for sure. 1) God has a perfect plan. 2) He loves me and this baby (babies) more than I do. 3) He is always Faithful to his word. 4) I do not have to live in fear or sadness, God offers peace and joy when you rest in him and I am resting!

So we are CELEBRATING!!! I am pregnant!!! Woo HOOO!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I go to the Dr for another blood test to see if my hormone levels have doubled every other day reaching around 56 from 14. That is what they would like to see, but it is not what I am expecting. Not the way I seem to do things.

I am so blessed to have a true and faithful God! I will share as soon as I can on Thursday what our numbers come in at.

 Psalm 29:11

11 The Lord gives strength to his people;

    the Lord blesses his people with peace.

Romans 8:35,37

35 Can anything separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or threatened with death? No, dispute all these things, overwhelming victory is ours thought Christ, who loves us.

Psalm 23

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

 

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