Have you ever been so overwhelmed with something that you don’t even know where to start? I feel that way with my house chores some times. This update has been really hard to sit down and write, down right overwhelming and certainly painful to relive. But I know that these posts, if only for me, are very important. It is a reminder that the God I believe in loves me even when it does not feel loving. Looking back at what God has done or is currently doing is so incredibly faith building for me. I know I have a lot of you praying for us and for that I am so thankful. I now want to share with you what God has used to grow faith in my life and the life of my family this last few months.
I apologize there may be a lot of just fact stating in this update. Its hard for me even to share the amazing things God showed me with out getting really emotional. So for now, the facts. We all know that God uses the facts to increase our faith.
Gregg and I woke up very excited to go see Dr. B and to find out if we were having one or two precious babies! Our dreams were coming true. We were really hoping for twins but obviously would be very excited with one! Gregg and I had to wait a bit longer than we normally do to see the Dr. and my excitement was turning into nerves! I asked Gregg to pray for us while we waited. Gregg prayed a very special prayer thanking the Lord for what he had done and thanking Him for the life that was growing with in my womb. Then at the end of the prayer he thanked God for the baby or babies or… even if we were not pregnant. Gregg thanked the Lord for the fact that he was in control. Only a minute later Dr. B walked in said hello and and got right to the ultrasound. It was obvious very quickly that there was no baby in my womb. There was no baby anywhere he looked. I layed there in shock. I looked at Gregg who was also taken back by the news. He held my hand as Dr. B shared with us his thoughts and how to proceed from there. I thanked him for his care. He really is a wonderful Doctor. I did not have much happening in my head, mostly just shock.
After meeting with Dr. B we meet with our nurse who walked us though the next steps. It was clear, especially after th blood work came back that I must still have a placenta because I was still producing hcg hormone, but there was no baby. She apologized for what we were going though. I thanked her and then the tears began to flow. My babies were gone.
It took over a week before the miscarriage actually took place. This was a time of sadness and proving of my faith. Gregg and I decided to go ahead with our plans to go to our yearly Tahoe trip with some very special friends. I decided that it would be easier to go thought the waiting and even the miscarriage while on vacation surrounded by good friends and the distraction. It was not until the night before we went home that I finally started bleed. It was so hard but at the same time I was so relieved. I had been spotting and that would lead to me thinking that i was finally going to be completing the miscarriage, but it was just false alarms. So in a weird way i was excited to finally be completing the process. I wanted to move on.
A week later I was at home with my mom and Mac when I started to feel really uncomfortable. I went up to my room to relax but after a few minutes I started cry out in pain. I thought that the cyst I had was bursting. I knew that I would be in horrible pain for maybe an hour but then it would be over and I would be fine. My mom heard my cries and came to my side where we both cried! Poor Mom! Who wants to see their baby go thought that kind of pain with nothing you can do to make it better? The pain got so bad that we called Dr. B’s cell phone. He told me to take pain killer he had prescribed earlier and that he would call in an hour. Thankfully the pain killers kicked in and i was feeling just fine when he called back. He told me he wanted to see me early the next morning to check on me. Gregg was on a special detail that morning so my dad offered to take me. I noticed that when walking into see the dr., I was walking on my tip toes. When Dr. B did the ultrasound he found what was making me uncomfortable. My cyst had not burst, but I had bled up my tubes and into my abdomen. It was a significant amount of blood and this was not going to be an easy recovery.
It was not. This was probably the hardest month I have had. I was in so much pain from the blood irritating my internal nerves I could hardly walk. I could not take care of Mac, I could not clean, I could not make dinner, I was miserable. I was so incredibly thankful for the fact that we lived with my parents.
Loosing my babies is still hard to think about with out tears and a tight chest. God taught be a lot this last two months and more than anything my faith was proven. I will eventually be able to share in more detail the things that blessed me and the things that showed me just how incredibly amazing and loving our God is. But for now I let him show you Himself in your own life. 🙂