Misscarage?

I am not sure exactly what is happening at this point but I am bleeding and cramping. Waiting to see if it is normal or miscarriage. I am trusting God and resting in his love and control.
I did just go to the dr this morning and my hcg numbers were up to just over 1,000 so the baby is growing!
I am praying that this is not a miscarriage but at the same time I am praying and want more that God would be most glorified through what ever outcome happens. I know God loves me and this baby more than we do!
Psalm 23
Provers 3:5-6

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The results are in.

This is the answer from God today!

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We are Rejoicing!!!

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Good News, Bad News

At times it seems like a lot of our journey with infertility has been one hard phone call after another. It can feel like we get a lot of either bad news or good news with concern attached.  Don’t get me wrong we get plenty of good reports along the way, but the bad has a heavier weight, right?  Well any way let me share with you the details of what this last week has held.

Last week we got the negative pregnancy test which increased our faith and produced an even closer relationship with our Father in Heaven. Then the next day (Saturday) I took another pregnancy test just to see if as we got closer to an appropriate testing date if we would get a positive. I swore that I was willing a hint of pink on that pregnancy line. So much so that I did not tell anyone except for my immediate family. This was a seriously exciting moment. Although it was so extremely faint i did not want to get my hopes up because it did practically take a microscope to see the pink. I mean, maybe I was willing it into existence. I did send a picture of the test to my sister Debra in Canada and she could see it, so maybe I was pregnant! “But don’t get to excited” I kept telling myself.

The next morning (Sunday) I took another test. This time I actually woke up Gregg who had worked till 4am that night to tell him what I could see. It was still very very faint but there was definitely some pink there, no question! I was pregnant! I think…. Still don’t want to get too excited till I got the blood results that I was supposed to get on Monday.

That morning I was so nervous I could not go to church. I was feeling sick to my stomach! Mom and dad had company coming for lunch so I spent some time cleaning up and getting lunch ready to distract myself from the unknown. So yes, I did have a good idea that I was pregnant but until I got the blood test I would not let myself get to excited or really claim to be pregnant. Plus the tests were still so very very light.

Around 11:00 am I got a phone call from my fertility clinic asking if I was coming in. I was confused, I was told I had to wait till Monday. They said “Nope! Come in now!” 🙂  I was sooooo excited I thought I would not be able to sit still or even breath normally. I thought I was going to have a mini heart attach I was so excited! Gregg and I zoomed off to the Dr to get my blood drawn. I asked the nurse how long it would take to get the results, she looked up at the clock and said “Very soon!”. I just about jumped out of my chair with the needle still in my arm. Oh man… having trouble breathing now! My chest was so tight!!

Gregg and I got home to find that Mom and dads company had arrived. Poor mom thought we already had the results and I didn’t want to share in front of everyone. Thankfully she heard me tell dad that I had to wait for a phone call. We we pretended to be calm while we made lunch and chatted with friends at the dinner table. I wasn’t sure I would be able to eat! Turns out I ate, a lot. Hmmm… clue number 2?

While sitting at the table my phone beeped to tell me i have a voice mail. WHAT? I missed the call!! Oh no!!  Lucky for me they left all the information on the message.  I WAS PREGNANT!!!!

BUT, BUT, BUT. Not my favorite word. Especially when you just got good news. The nurse did not seem very excited. Um Hello! Why are you not excited for me!?! She informed me, on the voice mail, that my hcg (the hormone produced by the placenta) was only measuring 14, very very low. “So please come in on Thursday and we will measure your levels again and see if they are doubling every other day like they should.”  Oh man, It is Maccabeus all over again. If you have been reading my blog for long you may remember that when we got our blood results with Mac we went on a 4 week journey of faith like never before. Mac’s HCG numbers consistently were not doubling at all and I was told that we were loosing him.  I was to have one more test a week later to see if i had miscarried. A week later I got the test results. The hcg numbers had more than doubled every day! We were having a baby!

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So I was not surprised by the number although very low. I could have figured it would be low seeing how the home pregnancy tests were coming in so faint. But it did certainly bring a real low and sadness to the “I am pregnant moment”. I had to excuse myself so that I could go and pray and give myself time to really focus on God and what he is teaching me. To see areas of Love from him in this. After about 30 minutes of really just focusing on God and having a lot of peace, I pulled out my computer and did a bit of research.

Turns out that low hcg numbers are still within acceptable ranges for a good pregnancy. I mean- look at my last pregnancy! But doctors still don’t like such low numbers, so it puts a damper on it for sure.

I told Gregg that it is really hard for me that I am robbed of the pure excitement of a positive pregnancy test just like last time. But that I know that it is God loving me and helping me to lean on him even more and to be able to share with you about how even when the good comes with bad we can still rejoice and have peace. Peace that passes all understanding.

I am not sure what the outcome of this pregnancy is going to be when it comes to a baby or loss but I know a few things for sure. 1) God has a perfect plan. 2) He loves me and this baby (babies) more than I do. 3) He is always Faithful to his word. 4) I do not have to live in fear or sadness, God offers peace and joy when you rest in him and I am resting!

So we are CELEBRATING!!! I am pregnant!!! Woo HOOO!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I go to the Dr for another blood test to see if my hormone levels have doubled every other day reaching around 56 from 14. That is what they would like to see, but it is not what I am expecting. Not the way I seem to do things.

I am so blessed to have a true and faithful God! I will share as soon as I can on Thursday what our numbers come in at.

 Psalm 29:11

11 The Lord gives strength to his people;

    the Lord blesses his people with peace.

Romans 8:35,37

35 Can anything separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or threatened with death? No, dispute all these things, overwhelming victory is ours thought Christ, who loves us.

Psalm 23

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

 

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Baby # 2 (or 2&3)

We are pregnant!

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More details to come! Right now we are just celebrating!

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Early Test

God ALWAYS has our best in mind, but when we have a different goal in mind we have trouble seeing this.

This morning I took a pregnancy test after much thought of what the result could mean and how the information would effect Gregg and I. The test came back with a clear negative. I stared at the test for at least five minutes. I could actually see where the other line was but that it was not turning pink. I then knew part of Gods plan for me today. I also knew that He loves me and all of those who want me to be pregnant! But for today this is His Best plan. God is already proving to me here and now that he is trustworthy. This morning mom let me take a long early morning nap and when I got up I came down with this new pregnancy information, and was honestly a bit in a daze. As I was making my Coffee The Lord spoke to me so clearly though a verse that he brought to mind.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

I immediately started to cry, something I don’t do a lot and had not yet done today. But I was not crying for sadness alone I was also touched deeply by the Love that God has for me and the promises that he has. He is not harming me! He is prospering me!

There is a possibility that I could be pregnant even though this early test showed I am not. It is not uncommon to get a false negative this early. But my peace and my joy today is not based on a hope for my plan but on the reality of my loving and trustworthy Fathers plan for today.

Something I want to clearly share. If I do not have these babies, if they are gone from me and with their Heavenly Father I do not believe that this was a mistake or that God was sparing children with genetic issues from
Being born. Their loss will not be a flat tire that causes me to be saved from a crash. I believe whole heartedly that God uses everything to grow and teach us of Him. The prospering is my faith not having babies.

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Introducing our little ones.

These are our two precious and loved little babies that we met one week ago today. They are beautiful! We were two very proud parents and blessed to have them in our lives. We love them truly and pray that the Lord will grant them their lives.

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Thursday the 13th was the transfer date and both Gregg and I were both very excited but there is also a weight of the seriousness of the moment. These ARE our babies and we know that they exist and we know that they are either going to attach or they will not and we may loose either one or both of our babies. So even with all of the excitement and there was a lot, there was also a real almost sadness.

IMG_0149 BUT! Everything went well and I sure have had a lot of early pregnancy symptoms! Of corse those are also the same side effects that my progesterone causes!  So unfair right!? What a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts this whole IVF process especially the post transfer wait is. I am constantly having to remind my self of what exactly do I want most. A Baby of Faith. My human mommy heart wants the baby, I mean that is why we are doing this, right? Over and over again I remind myself that what I really want is to grow my faith and grow closer to my God.  It is not a natural desire, I was born with a real sin nature, ask my family! 🙂  But from all that God has brought into my life He has proven over and over again that His plan is the absolute best for me for here and for eternity. Believe me if the God who created this earth and knows me completely thinks something is best for me I am not going to argue. IMG_0148

This week has been a full one! The day after the transfer we celebrated a very laid back Valentines day. Literally. It was a wonderful day full of prayers for our babies and relaxing as a family.  I kept my hand rested on my belly all day thinking of our babies and praying.  It was a special time that I have cherished with each of our IVF cycles.

Just yesterday, the 19th, was our 9th anniversary! We had a pretty busy day but enjoyed a dinner at Mastros restaurant and the newest Jack Ryan movie.  We had a great time thinking back on our 9 years as husband and wife and taking about our future.  We even enjoyed talking a bit about possible baby names, one of my favorite topics! 🙂

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The big question after a IVF transfer is when will we know if we are pregnant or not?! I thought that I would wait until the scheduled blood test this upcoming Monday but I can take it tomorrow morning. This was how early we took a test with Mac. If you remember we got a negative went back to bed and then when Gregg got up a short time later saw a faint positive! So there is a good chance that with taking a test this early we could get a negative and it could be true or it could be wrong. So to test or not to test?? A huge part of me wants to wait until Monday so that there is no question but then there is the side of me that wants to prepare.  So we shall see. Either I wake up and I take it or I don’t.

My heart almost hurts not wanting and yet wanting desperately to know what the outcome is.  In what way is God going to grow my faith, though another loss of our precious children or though having to parent them! 🙂 God knows best and I rest peacefully on Him.

My favorite verse of all time…

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For now I take comfort in the truths that God has for me that I know are true  Tomorrow we will rejoice in Him no matter what.

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Here we go!

Gregg and I are currently driving to the dr office to meet our babies! We are thankful for this day that the Lord has made. We are rejoicing and glad in it! Today I will come home with two babies! Twins!! So thankful that Gods plan is perfect and I am looking forward to learning and leaning on Him more as the days pass.

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